Serenity now...goddamit

So I had a "feeling sorry for myself" kind of day. Some girl who is a friend of a friend has a huge film out right now, and that's probably not even why it's a "feel sorry for myself" day... but I"ll blame it on that. Honestly, if I want to feel sorry for myself, I could seek out some things far worse than someone else's success. And I usually feel inspired by seeing other's succes...but I guess it was just seeing a commercial at the wrong time. I was all "I'm 28 and everyone thinks I'm 33 and I have no agent still eventhough I'm so talented and trained and wah wah wah... will it ever happen?? wah!!!" and then I saw the commercial for the film she's in and was like "see??!! see!!!? why am I here still? she's got that film, how come I don't have something like that?"

So I had to have a little talk with myself about how happiness has nothing to do with accomplishing or getting your dreams (sarcastic eyeroll), but about living in the moment, about the people we love...blah blah blah.

But when I really think about it, I realize that this is true. And it is how I've learned to sustain myself in a career that can take decades before "breaking in" in a serious way. I've learned that my life is right now, and that really, it's pretty damn good.

Because at least I get to pursue my dreams
Because at least I'm alive (most people who have been alive are dead now)
Because I have an amazing husband who I cherish and nothing makes me happier than eating dinner together and then drinking wine while watching a rented movie
Because I have a puppy I adore
Because I love my parents and get to spend wonderful time with them
Because I have amazing cheekbones (hehehe..I milk this one for all it's worth.)

So yeah... serenity now goddamit.

"light" nudity

I just read a breakdown for a film, and it said "light nudity" is required. Light nudity? That's a first. Never heard that one before.

youtube video

So I shot a video the other day for youtube for a really funny writer. It was a lot of fun, the only problem is the sound. She uses a home video camera, which is fine for the purposes of "just doing this for fun", but if we had good sound, it would feel pretty professional actually. Also, you never are supposed to "project" your voice on camera, because that comes across as "acting." So therefore my voice sounds soft since we had no microphones hooked up to me. Oh well. It was fun, and the important thing is that everytime I act on camera, I learn tons. And this was the first time I was able to watch myself on camera and not feel embarassed/cringe. So yay for that!

I highly recommend Michael Caine's book about film acting. It's an easy read, funny, charming and highly educational. Of course, it wouldn't have made sense to me prior to my training.

You want to be an actor?

If you are considering becoming a professional actor, I'd suggest getting the book "How to be a Working Actor." It is a great overview of the business and how to get started. And if you aren't in one of the major acting cities, try to take as many acting opportunities as you can where you live. Build up your skills and resume that way. And if you do decide to come to NYC, I highly recommend getting yourself into a top two year acting program, even if you studied acting in college. I'd recommend first and foremost Bill and Suzanne Esper (study with them, and everyone whose anyone in LA or NYC will know that you have fab training), Terry Schreiber, and I also hear Michael Howard is very good. Remember that networking schools are not acting shools. You want to study first with an acting teacher and get your skills sharpened before you start taking "classes" with casting directors or agents.

That's just my experience, and how I would have done things if I knew then what I know now. :)

Angela Lansbury and Tony's

So I was watching the Tony's the other night and was saddened to hear Angela Lansbury say that at her age, she never would have expected to receive something like that. What strikes me about that, is the fact that so many male actors reach the pinnacle of their careers at "that age," whereas female actresses find few opportunities to act at all. I mean, if Angela Lansbury wants to be getting acting work at her age, there should be people beating down her door. It shouldn't be a surprise to her to win a Tony, it should be the next logical step that she should only get more awards as she grows as a person and an actress. But the truth is, most writers are still male, and most producers are still male, and so the majority of roles are still male, and if they are female, they are young females. So people say "well then, why don't you write?" BECAUSE I'M NOT A WRITER. And frankly, I resent that I already have to work twice as hard to get half as far in this business, and expecting that on top of that, I'm suddenly supposed to become brilliant at a whole other art form (writing) in order to get an opportunity as an actress is just...argh!!!!

I get frustrated that my gender is such a handicap in this business. I'm an artist as much as any male actor out there, and I should have equal opportunities in my chosen business. But that just isn't the cast when it comes to acting. I'm hoping that times are changing. I have friends who are in films and on tv who shave off a good five years off their age, because being 30 and over means less work. Unfortunately for me, like I said earlier, people have thought that I'm in my 30s since I turned 23.

But there's no use in focusing on this problem. All it does is upset me and take the motivation out of my day. The only way to solve this is to just keep doing what I love, and supporting the work of "older" actresses so that producers understand that people DO want to see older female characters.

Of course it doesn't help when you have women like Paris Hilton calling herself an actress. That sort of thing tends to continue the stereotype that female actresses are merely pretty decorations for the camera, as opposed to male actors who are artists of the human spirit.

Great. Now showering seems pointless. ....Must.... Find..... Motivation....

And no I do not hate men. I love men. I simply want my experience in this world to have equal opportunities. Nothing to do with hating men, but it's sad that often times more opportunities for women is automatically assumed to mean hate towards men. That is very revealing in my opinion.

New tops!

I just bought some new tops and they are super cute and perfect for commercial auditions. Now that the warm weather is here, I realized that all I have are tank tops. So now I have some cute blouses that fit the "business casual" category. I don't really like shopping and I often put it off for months, so I'm proud of myself that I went and got what I needed. It helps to remember that clothes are part of my career marketing tools; otherwise I just feel frivolous.

Quarterly Goal for September

I have set up a one year goal and broken it down into quarterly goals. For the first quarterly goal, I would like to have one new film/tv speaking credit, have all my marketing materials updated, and be at my ideal body weight. The deadline is September.

Here we go.....

Watch me Pivot

Okay so I realize my last post was all pity party. So here is how I'm going to pivot on the topic.

1. It actually feels really good to know that when I do feel successful, I'll also feel like I made it on my own without any nepotism. I like that. I think it'll feel more satisfying.

2. Things are actually going quite well right now. I just have a little downtime today, and I have a pattern of worrying that I should always be busy. But I know better now. And I know that this is just part of an actor's life.

3. And I have a manger who is sending me out for all these great commercial auditions. I love knowing that I'll be able to support myself with commercial/industrial work. How wonderful to be able to make money through acting, even if that means commercials!

4. I have already come so far, and I will keep going farther.

All is well, all is as it should be. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Okay, I feel better now that I pivoted on that topic. :)

Frustrated

Sometimes it's just so frustrating. Especially on those days where there is nothing scheduled and there is just this abyss of time. And you know that there are all these fabulous auditions/opportunities going on but you aren't getting in the door because you don't have an agent. And the only reason why some people have agents is because their daddy is a big shot in show biz, or they have friends in high places.

Grr.

Okay back to positive thinking.

Scarey Storm!

The thunder storm in NYC last night was crazy. My husband and I took our puppy on the bed with us because the poor little guy was trembling. He slept the rest of the night cuddled between us for protection. It makes me so sad, though, when I feel his little body shaking like that. I wish he understood English so we could explain to him what's going on! And now he's just sleeping through the day since he didn't sleep well last night. Poor little man.

Bad actress!

I worked on a scene last night with my scene partner. We presented it to our peers as a table read, and I...SUCKED. Yes, I sucked. And I have to remind myself that it's simply because I didn't craft it specifically enough, and so I got all self-conscious and in my head. So that's okay. It's a craft, not magic. But because when it is crafted right, it appears and feels like magic, we get confused about the truth of it. I'm a major perfectionist too, and it's hard for me to ever fall on my face. But it is impossible to be perfect in any art form, but it's really ridiculous to expect perfection ALL the time too.

Even as I'm writing this, I worry that whoever is reading it is now judging me as being not a good actress. It's that gremlin in my head saying: "If you were a good actress, you would NOT have nights like those." And I project those gremlins onto those around me, assuming they are thinking what my gremlin is saying.

Someone said recently "it's not perfect your craft, it's practise your craft." I love that. I need to print it out and paste it on my forehead.

So I got home last night feeling miserable. When a scene goes well, when it is well crafted, it's an incredible roller coaster ride, and you get an incredible high from it. But when it doesn't happen that way, there's this yucky icky feeling. But I am very proud of myself because I DID NOT eat Ben and Jerry's to cope with that feeling. Yay!

The best way to cope is to just keep telling myself that this is just part of the process, to just focus on preparing for the next rehearsal, and to go to bed early before I run out to the grocery store.

Sick!

So I finally went to the doctor after a month and a half of coughing. He put me on anti-biotics and I'm already starting to feel better. They also took a chest xray and some blood work. There could be some walking pneumonia developing or some kind of infection, hopefully whatever it was has been wiped out with the medicine. They couldn't understand why I took so long to go, but I've been so busy I really haven't had a day to go to the doctor. And while I LOVED working on the student film last month, I'm sure that the long hours (shooting until 4am most nights), didn't help the illness.

I always get flu shots offered by Actor's Equity because there is just no time for getting sick if you are in a show or shooting a film. It won't stop for your fever. But I guess something else got the best of me anyway.

But it always fascinates me how I never appreciate health so much as when I am sick. And when I'm sick I vow to never take my health for granted. Here's to good health!

Exhausted

Working crew is hard physical labor. I came home exhausted from all the set changing I have to do. Ten different set changes! And bed dressing, and sheet changing and flower putting... I came home and binged on ben and jerry's in my hour of weakness. It felt like a reward, but I know it's not really a reward since it's no good for me. More crew tonight!

Commercial Callback

I got a callback for a commercial. It actually doesn't pay much, but it would be good to book it and have something on my website to show me on camera. Also is good for making my agent and manager like me. I've just started working with them and they both concentrate mainly on commercials.

Would be nice to get a paycheck :)

Working Crew

I'm working crew for a production. It's a theater company that I'm a member of. I actually really like being involved in the production aspect with this group. It helps to foster a sense of community as all the members participate in running and producing shows. So even when I'm not in a show, I still feel that I'm part of one. Plus if you help out, you will make a lasting impression and people will be more likely to audition/cast you. I've already acted with this group, but I know that by helping out, I'm continuing to stay in everyone's minds. But I love it anyway, regardless of the results. And I like hanging out with these people.

The only thing I don't like is that it's time away from my puppy. He is sleeping right now, but when he wakes up ready to play, I won't be here. I'll just have to give him extra luvin tonight.

Frat Boy Productions

I find it interesting that so many student films "require nudity." I call these films "Frat Boy Productions."

Actor's Schedule

I don't like being out late. So many actors I know love the schedule of an acting life. I do not. I like to be up early, I like a 9-5 schedule, and I like to be home to make dinner and go to bed by 11pm. I still love acting so much that I'm willing to sacrifice my preferred schedule. Instead, I am usually required to be out late at night attending rehearsals, or shows, or working crew on a show whose company I'm a member of, or shooting a film on a set until 4am!

It's also hard to juggle it all. That's not to say I'm super busy. I luckily don't have to have a day job anymore. My husband and I are living like nuns off of his salary, but we are both happier when I'm not doing slave work for a survival job. So it's not like I'm running around with no time to myself. But, it still gets complicated. If I want to take a class, you can bet I'll get an audition for the same day as that class, and my best friend will have her baby shower that day. Or, I'll schedule my puppy's vet appointment, and my agent will call with a conflicting audition, and my aunt will decide to come into town. Or, my friend will be mad that I can't come to her daughter's birthday party because I'm performing in a show that night.

Being an actor means our schedules are always up in the air. It's hard to commit to a wedding because I never know if I'll book work that will conflict. And since it takes months of auditioning my ass off to finally book work, I certainly can't turn a month of work down for one day. Even when my husband and I got married, we knew that the honeymoon could get postponed if I booked a role.

This career takes years of sacrifice, but people don't always understand that if I turn down a role to attend your party/milestone, I am throwing away years of hard work that it took to finally book that role. It isn't about your one day, it's about years of sacrifice.

I guess the worse thing about an Actor's schedule, is that a lot of people don't understand. They will have the nerve to be mad at me that I won't turn down a role for their special day. But what they don't get is that my whole life is made up of these sacrifices, and trust me when I say, it hurts me more than it hurts you.

No, this doesn't mean I should give up acting. Obviously I would have given it up years ago and attended all these social affairs if I didn't love it to the core of my being.

Dark Corners

I used to be really attracted to very emotional roles. They would help me to express all the shit going on in my mind and soul. But since I've done a lot of self-healing through Abraham, I am not needing these dark expressions as much. I used to be so anxious that I couldn't walk down the street without thinking about all the possible ways I could be killed. Life always felt so delicate, and I was constantly fretting and worrying about my loved ones. But since learning Abraham's message, it's like this incredible fog was lifted off of my mind, and I think so clearly now. I no longer go through life worrying, and I feel much more secure in the KNOWING that we are all eternal. I mean, I was raised Catholic so I "knew" that, but I didn't KNOW it.

So what does this mean for my acting? Well, I think it means a healthier approach to it. And a new era. Sure, I might not gravitate so much to the dark stuff, but I also have more confidence in my abilities because I am more sane now. So that will be much better for my acting. And I can still enter the world of the imagination, it just means that I won't be living in my imagination off stage. I guess part of me does worry that I won't be as good an artist if I am not tortured. But my life certainly is loads better. And isn't that the important part? And I think my worry is bull shit. I think I most certainly can be as good an artist, if not better.

And at the corner stone of Abe's teachings is the fact that we can all create our reality through our thoughts by telling a new story. So maybe I need to just start telling the story about how ever since I got happier, my acting got even better.

Isn't it funny how some artists resist happiness for the sake of their art? You'd think the only reason anyone does anything, is because they think it'll make them happy. So why do some artists make art if happiness is not their purpose?

The Age Gremlin

I'm sure you've heard that it's hard to be an "older" actress in this business. Well, it seems that it's hard being over 10 years old in this business. I recently heard the mother of a child actor complaining that if her son didn't get to a certain level in his career before he turned 12, he'd be competing with older actors playing younger and be aged out of the game. Uhm... yeah... so did I mention I'm in my late 20s? Okay, well even when I was 21 I was worried that I was too old. Actually, take it back to my ballet pursuit, and by 13 I was stressing about my age. I am envious of my friends who don't have to worry about age in their careers. In fact they'd be able to sue for age discrimination in their careers. Okay, I guess I don't have to worry about age in my career either, I'm just CHOOSING to worry about it. And worrying is wasteful and useless in times like these (to quote Jewel.)

A lot of people like to say that once an actress hits 30, it's impossible. Well, lucky for me, people have been thinking I'm 30 since I was 23. That used to be really frustrating, but hey, at least turning 30 won't be traumatizing. I'm actually looking forward to turning 30 so I can stop wondering why I don't look my age. Actually, I have very strong bone structure so that seems to be why people think I'm older. And apparently I come across as mature. But if I worry about my age in this business, then I'm wasting so much of my energy. Just like that child actor should not be worrying about turning 12, I should not be worrying about being in my late 20s.

If we are always searching for why the odds are stacked against us, we are sabotaging ourselves. When I first knew I wanted to make acting my career, I started thinking the following:

"The only people who make it in this business are those born into it."
"I'm not pretty enough or tall enough or skinny enough."
"I'm too old." (I was 20)
"I don't want to move to a city."

But all of that was paralyzing. I had to drop the gremlins and just go for it. What purpose does it serve us to focus on the negative? One thing Abraham says is to focus on the solution, not the problem. When we focus on the solution, we are using our energy in a much more productive way. I also find that when I ask the universe to show me examples of why my "flaws" will not hold me back, the universe inundates me with proof. But when I focus on how bad I have it, then the universe mirrors that back to me as well.

Life is too short to not follow our dreams. And once we are following our dreams, life is too short to dig our heels into the dirt and whine the whole way. Noone has ever reached success without having some major road blocks along the way. Use them to sharpen your desire.

So now I focus on why my age works for me. Well, when I go out on auditions for commercials and all the other actresses are actually in their 30s, I get to be THE YOUNG LOOKING ONE!!! How fun after always looking older than my fellow auditioners! And the roles I go out for are much more interesting than the 20 something mindless characters. And who needs to be a teeny bopper on the WB? I'm looking for depth and longevity to my career.

Oh and here's a tip for you actors out there... if you are like me and compare where you're at with where you're favorite actors were at at your age- BEWARE! I know several actors in the business who are quite successful, and whose PR people shave off 5-10 years from their age. So while you might be saying "Oh well, at 20 this actor already shot a major feature film", the truth is they may have actually been 30. But more importantly, you shouldn't be comparing yourself anyway. Put blinders on like it's a horse race, and keep your eye on the prize. Everyone has different paths, and again, don't waste your energy thinking about the problems. Your perceived "problems" are probably not problems at all.

Who am I?

I decided to start a blog to talk about my life as an actress. I was hesitant about what to name this blog, because I've found that labeling myself as an "actress" raises a lot of issues. So really, I am a human being who likes to act and has chosen acting as my vocation. Okay I know that sounds really pretentious, and I don't mean it that way. But I find that sometimes I derive my identity from what I do. I grew up dancing Ballet, and when I decided that I would no longer pursue dance as my future career, I went through a major identity crisis. I had always defined myself as a dancer, and I didn't know who I was anymore. So now that I've been acting for years, I want to be careful that I am not confusing who I am with what I do.

So who am I really? Well, I know that this will alienate some people, but I believe we are source energy come forth into the physical reality to revel and create on this glorious planet. Wow. Now that is a powerful label, and it is not based on what I do, but my divine worth.

Okay but who am I besides that? Well, I'm a wife, I'm the adoptive mommy of a beautiful puppy, a daughter, a sister, and an NYC based 20 something actress. I am also a big believer in the Law of Attraction as taught by Abraham-Hicks, and that plays a big part in my life.